what UVM should have done with the money they spent on the new logo – The Vermont Cynic

By now, everyone’s heard about UVM’s new logo change. 

Goodbye Old Mill tower, hello “V.” Might not seem like a big deal, but the University did shell out $145,650 big bucks for it. 

While that might not seem like a lot to Suresh, for us here at the opinion section, we think there’s lots of more useful places that money could have gone. Here are just a few of our suggestions for how UVM could have more effectively spent that $145,650.

Ayelet Kaminski

Ayelet Kaminski – Giant bust of Patrick Leahy 

I can’t think of a better way to show our appreciation for the all powerful, all knowing, benevolent former senator than with a colossal statue of His likeness in front of the Davis Center. 

Not only will this allow us to admire His Glory throughout the school day, but it will also serve as a convenient location for all our offerings and sacrifices. 

With such a conspicuous placement, the bust will also prevent countless first-year casualties: no longer will a plucky, fresh-faced 18-year-old set out to try and find the Patrick Leahy Building only to never return.

And who knows, maybe if His Mercifulness looks kindly upon our offerings, one day we might have the honor of reporting the news from the Patrick Leahy Vermont Cynic. 

Spencer Hurlburt – Give it to me. I’m so good with money.  

Out of all the things UVM could’ve spent six figures on they chose to make the logo worse.  

If they had any brains they would’ve let me handle the money. I’m phenomenal with money. I would put it towards all sorts of great things. Beautiful things. Some would say the best things. 

There’s absolutely no way I would pocket the $145,650. No way.  

On top of that, there’s no way I would fly to Las Vegas and gamble away $100,000 of the dollars.  

Oh, and there’s the impossibility of me taking $45,000 and making an ill-advised investment into a wigs for hairless dogs business.  

Finally, it’s downright implausible that I would take the remaining $650 and spend it all buying the patrons of Finnigan’s Pub 650 Pabst Blue Ribbons on dollar beer night.  

So obviously, UVM made a huge mistake not giving me this money to reinvest where I see fit. 

Molly Parker

Luna Tibbals – Rebrand UVM as a historically women’s college

Let’s be real, no one chose UVM solely to major in environmental studies. Speaking for most Catamounts—we’re really here to take rips off of pretty bisexual girls’ bongs. 

Statistically, UVM undergrad is more than 60% female. Clearly, the school caters to a certain audience. 

And the University doesn’t even want men here either. That’s why they’ve all been exiled to Jeanne Mance. 

Burlington, a.k.a. “Girlington,”  is already as lesbian as it gets. We don’t have much, but we have a Trader Joe’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Bernie Sanders, Barnes and Noble, a concert venue, a tea room and a bunch of vintage clothing stores all in like, a two-mile radius. 

Even our mayor is a lesbian. 

I’m not saying I hate men—I have a male therapist. I would just never want my kids to live that “lifestyle.”

But it is far too often that I’m walking to class behind a tatted up hottie who resembles Kristen Stewart only to realize, upon second glance, was actually a twink.  

Grace Visco – Literally anything for the 2024 seniors 

Please refund me for the therapy I need after my freshman year. Please.

Ayelet Kaminski

Olivia Langlan – Get us a real life catamount 

Don’t get me wrong, Greta is an icon. But UVM school spirit just isn’t what it could be. 

The solution is easy. No, it doesn’t matter that they are most likely extinct. UVM has enough environmental science labs that a catamount could be found. If the school wants even more enrollment, I’m sure a fierce mountain lion thought to be extinct would bring crowds flocking.   

A few U.S. colleges have live mascot programs. Louisiana State University has multiple generations of Mike the Tiger and the University of Colorado has Ralphie the Buffalo. Yale’s on Handsome Dan XIX

One last note. This catamount wouldn’t be caged or chained, it would also need to be given the best treatment and acres to roam around. Greta needs a buddy. 

Zach Ashany – A $74,500 robot dog and 556,000 water growing dinosaurs 

It’s a no brainer. 

Jaya Connor – It’s high time for elevated living… for HCOL!

Suresh, buddy, it’s me.

I’m really loving this UHeights life but, if I’m being honest, I truly believe we are not receiving maximum preferential treatment as promised. 

Here’s the vision: pump those $145,000 big ones into a total private bathroom revamp. I know, I know, we have private bathrooms while the rest of campus is forced to share (gross!) but hear me out. 

As much as I’m loving the showers, I do wish we had tubs, like those lucky residents in the beloved Jeanne Mance or Coolidge Hall. I’m thinking full bath tubs in each room. While we’re at it, why not give us Jacuzzis on the green roof and an in-house nail salon.  

Also, my roommate and I would love it if we didn’t have to drag our huge brains all the way downstairs for laundry. Could we please have laundry chutes? Or maybe en-suite washers and dryers. Maybe you could install them next to our personalized mini-fridges and vanity mirrors.

Just some food for thought. Thanks so much, champ! Also, could you get someone to come dust our room? The ceilings are so high, I can’t reach.

Molly Parker

Max Akom – Bring back the geology department

What this school needs is an investment that would increase the budget. A resurrection of geology could allow the school to locate coal under Camels Hump. 

With the discovery of coal, investors will flock to the school and fund the creation of the UVM Ira Allen Center for Anthracite Excellence, eventually allowing the purchase of the state park.

Once the mountain is leveled, the University can build convenient student housing close to campus. The extra space will allow the enrollment of 10,000 new students.

Annalisa Madonia – Tear down Coolidge and build a Roman bath house

I think it’s time we finally make rumors into reality and put Coolidge Hall out of its misery. 

As a Coolidge resident I will not be sad to see her go, in fact I would gladly aid in her demolition. Instead we can use the space to pay homage to the infamous first floor bathtubs and transform her into an Ancient Roman bath house.

I mean, it wouldn’t be less sanitary than the current state of the communal showers in Coolidge with her rusty pipes and suspiciously stained floors. 

Also, think about the possibilities of community building that could happen in a late night dip with a campus crush.

We will, however, have to find a new home for the small mouse family that runs through her halls and relocate it.

Molly Parker

Emma Dinsmore – Bringing back the Bus Ball

UVM’s upperclassmen remember the heartbreaking day when the Bus Ball was removed from campus on April 18, 2022.

The money used for UVM’s new logo could have easily brought back the Bus Ball. I have yet to hear of anyone happy with the new logo, but the Bus Ball made everyone happy.

If the UVM administration is reading this, please bring back the Bus Ball. It’s what we all want.

Lucas Martineau – Give Suresh a bonus

President Garimella’s 2022 base salary was $484,000 with additional deferred compensation every year, according to a May 13, 2023 Burlington Free Press article.

The same piece notes that full-time staff salaries are below $30,000 annually.

Clearly, Suresh needs another bonus to encourage him to keep up the great work.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Renew Brennan’s liquor license
  • Outdoor trash cans (cut for being just too absurd)
  • Pay for the Vermont Cynic to start printing again
  • Bribe the conductors on the Vermonter train to be nicer to UVM students
  • Koi pond in the Davis Center 
  • Bring back the Taco Bell in the tunnel
  • Clone Greta

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